After a couple years of this perma-campaign, we’re finally poised to utterly humiliate them once again.
Look, I think we win and I don’t think it’s going to be close. Most people in the know – whatever the hell that means – agree. We can feel the enthusiasm, we see the Dems solemnly trudging towards defeat. We all recognize the utter absence of any statistically significant move from Trump to Biden since 2016, while the opposite shift is manifest. The only thing that doesn’t support a Trump rout are some of the polls, but what the CNN/Weenis Strategy poll of living and/or dead Democrat voters says means nothing.
All that remains is for us to go out and win this.
Some cliches are still true. You gotta vote. Your family and friends gotta vote. And other conservatives gotta vote. You can help get people to the polls – hit here to do your part.
So, how do you not go nuts as Election Day turns into Counting Days?
Well, don’t do what Hunter Biden would do. That’s not good for anyone.
First, chill. There’s nothing you can do now anyway – except for living out those aforementioned cliches.
Look, we’ve got a good plan and we are executing it well. Donald Trump and his surrogates are tirelessly hitting the key states, drawing huge crowds eager to stand out in the cold just to see Trump bust a move to “YMCA.” Our strategy was always to hit the polls on Election Day – that’s your part of the plan and you’d slither through rows of barbed wire to cast your vote for Lil’ Wayne’s favorite president. So, we’re in a good place, with a solid plan being executed well.
Second, everyone in the mainstream media will lie to you all day as the voting is happening. Ignore them. Nothing anyone says, except for hardcore conservatives, should give you any pause. Sure, hardcore conservatives can be substantively wrong, but they will not lie to you. The mainstream media will lie to you precisely because they wish to elicit that sinking feeling in your gut that all is lost so that instead of venturing out to the polls you find a closet and curl up in the bottom in a fetal position.
You will hear about “voters being suppressed” in Democrat areas of Democrat cities, which is, of course, Trump’s fault. No matter that people have been voting since freaking Labor Day. Ignore that too – its excuse creation for what the Dems know will be an ugly night.
You will hear about exit polls. These carefully choreographed leaks are nonsense. If you want to assess the accuracy of such polls, apply this test: “What would most Biden supporters say and what would most Trump voters say if approached by a pollster?”
The Biden supporters are often lonely weirdos who crave human interaction and are eager to chat. The Trump supporters scrape pollster off the bottom of their shoes. It’s not so much the “Shy Trump voter” as the “Get out of my face, dork, Trump voter.”
And, of course, these polls will be weighted for maximum effect, and the crosstabs will be Dem +27. Ignore all that.
All you gotta remember is to go vote, and get others who are cool to do the same.
Third, as the voting closes in various states, don’t stress. The mainstream media will eagerly call states for Biden but stretch it out to the breaking point when calling Trump wins. You’ll see the fix is in when they start telling you that Texas is a jump ball. The wheels of time will grind slowly, but finely. In the end, we win.
Fourth, you will hear ominous reports of looming violence. There will be endless footage of windows boarded up because of the perilous peril posed by Q people, Proud Boys and those ubiquitous right-wing militias. It’s amusing that the media pushes that nonsense, even as it simultaneously wants you to really understand that the threat is from the left. Remember, the mainstream media supports leftist violence that seeks to intimidate you.
But you know what? We’re not going to be intimidated. Since you have obeyed my admonition to exercise your rights and obligations as a citizen and purchased guns and ammunition, you are prepared to defend your property and family should anyone get frisky in your house. And if scumbag Biden supporters want to destroy the blue cities they infest, go for it. It’s like that scene in the now-cancelled Blazing Saddles where the hero holds a gun to his head to keep the townsfolk who want to lynch him at bay. Oh well. If you don’t want your city burned down, don’t elect arsonists.
Fifth, there will be lawsuits, larceny, and lies in the days to come. So what? We have lawyers too, good ones, and a Supreme Court that will generally follow the law now that Roberts is no longer the swing vote. The media will scream about “counting every vote,” as if there’s someone out there demanding we not count legal votes. Pfft. And yes, we do need to be concerned about voter fraud and we are – we’re watching. It’s hard to steal any election, especially under observation. We’re observing. Plus, it only matters when the vote is close, and if you do your part (see above) it won’t be.
Sixth, be sure to gloat. I think we win, and when we do we need to outdo the laughter that erupted as the camera panned the sobbing masses of Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit fans as it dawned on them that Donald Trump had prevailed.
Now, relax. You have just one job. Go vote. Get others to vote. You do that, and Election Day will go just fine.