1) Everything we need to know about global warming can be learned from a 16-year-old girl with Asperger’s and a famously ignorant former bartender who was just elected to Congress.
2) Of all the people we could have influencing children in our society, it makes the most sense to have drag queens reading to kids in libraries.
3) If you like your doctor or your healthcare plan, you can keep them AND it will cost $2,500 less per year for a family! Trust us!
4) Only bad people engage in cultural appropriation, which is why all of us should live in caves and carry sticks around lest we accidentally use something that our culture adopted from another two hundred years ago.
5) This time socialism will work!
6) We need censorship because since so many people reject liberal ideas, we know that free speech doesn’t work!
7) We know that the whole idea that the OK sign is used by racists was created to prank us, but we STILL think it’s a sign of white supremacists.
8) The key to reducing gun crimes and mass shootings is to take guns away from all the people that don’t do those things.
9) We speak for all women, black Americans, gay Americans, Hispanic Americans and Jewish Americans, not just liberals that happen to fall into those groups … wait, you want proof? Uh … I am pretty sure it was also in that study that showed 97% scientific consensus on global warming.
10) Insisting that non-Democrats be considered innocent until proven guilty of sexual harassment and sexual assault charges is the same thing as supporting rape, even when the allegations are 30 years old and the victim can’t remember what year it was, where it was at and all the people she says were there confirm it didn’t happen.
11) Mitt Romney using the phrase “binder full of women” was obviously part of the “War on Women,” while making women compete against men that think they’re women in sporting events and share bathrooms with them is obviously not part of a “War on Women.”
12) Everyone should be punished for offensive things they tweeted, said, or did years or even decades ago. Except liberals wearing blackface. They get a super special pass.
13) Only racists could disagree with the idea that the biggest problems faced by black Americans today are Confederate Civil War statues and the police being too aggressive when confronting criminals.
14) The more offended you are, the more right you are, unless you’re offended by something liberals believe, in which case you should just get over it, caveman!
15) If you attack someone’s motive, then there’s no need to refute their argument, which just happens to be convenient for liberals, who believe that everyone who disagrees with them must have bad motives.
16) If you kept more of your own money, you’d spend it on stupid things, like clothes for your kid and a new washing machine, while liberals would use the money more wisely by giving it away to welfare moms and NPR.
17) Borrowing trillions from China and Saudi Arabia to finance massive new social programs that will always run at a huge loss won’t ever be a problem because everyone loves giving us money!
18) Republicans must be the cause of problems in liberal cities that have been run by Democrats for decades. After all, who else could possibly be responsible?
19) Every disagreement on policy can easily be explained with an “ism” or an “ia.” Don’t agree with policies put forth by a black liberal? Must be racism. Do you think 5-year-olds shouldn’t be able to change genders? Must be transphobia. Don’t want to vote for Elizabeth Warren because she pretended to be an Indian to advance her career? Must be sexism or alternately, “Pocahontasaphobia.”
20) The guys in the street wearing black masks, carrying weapons, committing vandalism, and attacking random people 10-on-1 are anti-fascists, not fascists.
21) Being compassionate has nothing to do with what you do personally, it’s all about advocating government programs that give away other people’s money!
22) White nationalists are EVERYWHERE! In the White House! Wearing MAGA hats! In fact, most of the people that disagree with us are SECRETLY white supremacists! Just ask Ta-Nehisi Coates. He’ll tell you!
23) Global warming is going to destroy the world in 10 years! Yes, all the other predictions were wrong, but THIS TIME it’s definitely right!
24) The key to solving problems in America is to give more money, power, and control to the government that created those problems in the first place because after getting it wrong 4,956 times in row, they’re due for a big win!
25) It makes perfect sense to allow small children that spend all day pretending to be everything from Transformers to Dinosaurs to decide that they’re the opposite gender.